Just say "No"

Day: 351

Goal: Say “No” to something… ANYTHING!!!

So the point is, I love pleasing people. Not in the weird, kinky, asian sort of way, but in the sense that I can’t stand to not have made something happen that I’m completely capable of doing. Confused already? Me too.

I’ve had a rough week. Not just because workwork has been extremely overwhelming, but also because I’m totally and completely self-destructive. I’ve decided (with the help of Heather) that I am a “Yes Man”. I can not willing say “No” to something if I have the physically ability to do it. Mentally I probably am the most unstable person I know at baseline, so let’s not even start to talk about what over-doing-it does to me mentally… it’s just not relevant. The fact is, if someone asks me to do something – anything – I’m more than likely going to say “Sure, no problem” or “Yay! That’s sounds good… count me in!” This is not healthy and I’ll explain why…

My nickname is butter because I spread myself too thin. How can one person be two places at once? They can’t. This is a concept that does not settle well with me. I have been trying to fight this phenomenon for years, and while I have not been successful, I continuously strive to be everyone, everyone wants me to be at once. I feel like this problem didn’t used to affect me the way it is lately because I loved every little bit of everything I was involved in. Now it seems like I do things that aren’t necessarily making me completely happy because I feel obligated. Granted, a LOT of the things I do do I really really do love, but there are those things that squeeze themselves in there that would probably make me happier, healthier, more sane, less cranky, and much further on my bucket list if I would just let them go… just say “No, I’m not available/able to/around/in town/tired/interested…”

I have an irrational fear of letting people down. Ok maybe its not that irrational… maybe I have deep rooted daddy issues that I can’t overcome. Maybe I’m scared that if I don’t make the people in my life happy, then they’ll leave… I mean, I’m a grown ass woman, and I know that my dad didn’t leave because of me, but maybe there is something deep inside me that won’t let the idea of it being some fault of mine that made him go. This is a long stretch for a reason why I can’t say no to things, but it’s my fleeting attempt at self-therapy, so maybe just having a reason… even if it’s not the real reason… will help.

In the midst of all the craziness I find myself wondering how it’s possible to have friends that are so willing to stand by me through the crazy times… I am blessed.

Thank you for: friends, assistants, project runway season finales, trader joe’s orange chicken, wine, bicycles, ladybugs, and blogs.