Stagecoach 2010

Day: 350, 349, and 348

Goal: Just relax and let it go… country!

So one of my camp besties, Amy, bought me and some other camp peeps tickets to Stagecoach, the two day country music festival in Indio. Now those of you that know me may be thinking, “Tiffany likes country music?” And that is a valid question. But those of you that really KNOW me, know that I’m not apposed to a good time… I love music you can dance to, I love people with the gift of song, I love BBQ’d meat (although having to type that just grossed me out a little bit), I love beer, and who DOESN’T love a good old-fashioned polite country-lovin’ cowboy?? (Especially when you throw in the California desert and force them to take their shirts off… yum)

Anyway, we got out to Palm Desert on Friday night and just chilled in the hotel room (that was the bane of my existence for an entire week… don’t ask, it’s over, that’s all that matters). We got some good sleep and the next morning got out to Stagecoach around noon. As we were locking up the car in the parking lot, I suggested that we crash one the tailgates going on. The group was hesitant, but as we strolled towards the venue past one of the friendlier looking parties, I said, “Hell yay! You guys know how to do it right!”…. and a friendship was born. We met Cory, Amber, Amy, Cole, Michelle, and a bunch of other people whose names I can’t remember right now, and they were awesome! They were so sweet and really did have a great set-up… does it compare to a Maisonet family New York tailgate at Giants stadium?… No, but I have to give them credit… it was really good.

The festival was really cool. Way beyond my expectations. I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but it was way nicer. I guess I thought people would be more rowdy and crazy, and while there were some crazies out there, it was mostly a mixed bag of families, young adults, and hardcore cowboys. The venue itself was enormous. It felt like a day at Disneyland each day… a ton of walking around, eating too much and too often, and not drinking nearly enough water… especially relative to the temperature and what else we were drinking *wink*

One thing I love about hanging out with the people I was with is that I really don’t feel at all insecure the way I do sometimes around other people. Not that my other friends make me insecure necessarily, and not that these friends necessarily make me feel super confident, but it’s just a feeling of comfort that’s different I guess. Maybe because the majority of time I spend with these guys is camping on an island with hundreds of kids acting crazy and focusing on the mission of our charity and not on ourselves at all. It does make a difference I think. When I stop trying to impress anyone, and just hang out for the sake of being with beautiful people loving life, I find that the insecurities melt away. It’s not a perfect science though… even when I’m in the best of places mentally like I was this weekend, I find time to get in my own head and dwell on that fact that I’m behind on life… and I hate being alone.

So in addition to a lot of really great entertainment, I discovered that I love Sugarland. They were awesome!! I also discovered that running into people you weren’t expecting to never gets less awkward, hot guys look hotter when they’re dressed like cowboys, nice people do exist (and they tailgate!!), no matter how many times you roll your eyes some people just… are who they are, no more than two fish tacos should be consumed in a 24 hour period, people who love country music also love America… a lot, port-o-potties are cleaned out by a man with a really long hose that’s hooked up to a huge truck that sucks it out of the hole and carries it off to who-knows-where, Keith Urban is just as hot in person as he is in pictures, the California State lottery is suppose to go towards education, but has been redirected to “other places” for years, power half-hour is proven to be the best buzz two times over, I enjoy wearing a cowboy hat, boys play words with friends when they have to go #2, and nothing feels better after a long weekend then coming home to your own bed… ok that’s not something I discovered this trip, I’ve known that forever, but it’s worth rediscovering every time.

Just say "No"

Day: 351

Goal: Say “No” to something… ANYTHING!!!

So the point is, I love pleasing people. Not in the weird, kinky, asian sort of way, but in the sense that I can’t stand to not have made something happen that I’m completely capable of doing. Confused already? Me too.

I’ve had a rough week. Not just because workwork has been extremely overwhelming, but also because I’m totally and completely self-destructive. I’ve decided (with the help of Heather) that I am a “Yes Man”. I can not willing say “No” to something if I have the physically ability to do it. Mentally I probably am the most unstable person I know at baseline, so let’s not even start to talk about what over-doing-it does to me mentally… it’s just not relevant. The fact is, if someone asks me to do something – anything – I’m more than likely going to say “Sure, no problem” or “Yay! That’s sounds good… count me in!” This is not healthy and I’ll explain why…

My nickname is butter because I spread myself too thin. How can one person be two places at once? They can’t. This is a concept that does not settle well with me. I have been trying to fight this phenomenon for years, and while I have not been successful, I continuously strive to be everyone, everyone wants me to be at once. I feel like this problem didn’t used to affect me the way it is lately because I loved every little bit of everything I was involved in. Now it seems like I do things that aren’t necessarily making me completely happy because I feel obligated. Granted, a LOT of the things I do do I really really do love, but there are those things that squeeze themselves in there that would probably make me happier, healthier, more sane, less cranky, and much further on my bucket list if I would just let them go… just say “No, I’m not available/able to/around/in town/tired/interested…”

I have an irrational fear of letting people down. Ok maybe its not that irrational… maybe I have deep rooted daddy issues that I can’t overcome. Maybe I’m scared that if I don’t make the people in my life happy, then they’ll leave… I mean, I’m a grown ass woman, and I know that my dad didn’t leave because of me, but maybe there is something deep inside me that won’t let the idea of it being some fault of mine that made him go. This is a long stretch for a reason why I can’t say no to things, but it’s my fleeting attempt at self-therapy, so maybe just having a reason… even if it’s not the real reason… will help.

In the midst of all the craziness I find myself wondering how it’s possible to have friends that are so willing to stand by me through the crazy times… I am blessed.

Thank you for: friends, assistants, project runway season finales, trader joe’s orange chicken, wine, bicycles, ladybugs, and blogs.

Conquering the Morning!!

Day: 352

Goal: Conquer the morning!

Ok so lately I’ve been having some serious issues with waking up in the morning… It’s gotten to the point where I have been at least 30 minutes late to work every day. I just can’t get out of bed. I hear my alarm, I snooze it, I hear it again, I snooze it again, and then I never hear anything again!! I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for my body to wake up. I feel like I get plenty of sleep every night… I go to bed at a decent hour, and although I’m exhausted when I lay down at night, it hasn’t been worse than usual that I know of. I just don’t have the will to “rise and SHINE”…. I roll and grumble… quite the opposite.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I’ve really been missing my Wednesday morning yoga class. It really is one of my favorite flow classes and I was so good about getting up and going to this 6am ball-buster religiously… but now for some reason I just can’t, and that bugs.

It’s weird because the thought of getting up early to work out, make breakfast, drink multiple cups of coffee, watch the news, and get ready leisurely… sounds AMAZING! So why don’t I have the feeling in the morning? Worse yet, I feel nothing at all until I finally get up and then I immediately regret having not gotten up earlier!! Hello!??! What is UP with THAT!??! Mentally, I’m there! I’m in it to win it, but my body will not physically GET UP!! How annoying!

I need help… really. It’s becoming a problem that tends to ruin my day. Ok maybe not “ruin” my day, but at least add to the chaos of feeling like there is never enough time for everything. I constantly reflect on the episode of Saved By The Bell when Jesse Spanno tries to do a music video, be a cheerleader, and study for the SATs one week, and ends up having to take caffeine pills to stay awake… “I’m SOO excited!!! I’m SOO excited!! I’m soo, so… SCARED!!!” Classic Jesse.

The feeling resonates through me.

Sidenote: ASU cast kicked some serious ass tonight at rehearsal. I only had half my cast for the number I was choreographing, but it already looks really nice… very excited for this show to go up. These are some seriously talented kids!

Glee-tastic!!

Day: 353

Goal: Gleeeeee!!!!

Ok so even during the toughest of weeks, I know I can count on Tuesday’s to deliver my favorite show and my favorite past time… Glee with the girls! I love to make dinner, have friends over, and watch Glee. I’m totally a “Gleek”, I’m addicted to this show, and most importantly, I love the mental release this night gives me. I’m allowed a (small) window of time that I can totally let my brain go into neutral, eat a hot meal, drink a glass of wine or two (or four), and just sit back and giggle like a kid… well a kid that understands adult humor…

Regardless, however, of the fact that I know that I have Glee to look forward to throughout the day, I still can manage to have a miserable day at work. There is just so much pressure right now at work to get data out and I just feel like there is a lot working against me here. For one, I’ve been doing the same experiment for one of projects for two months straight… seriously twice a week for the past 8 weeks I’ve been doing the exact same experiment over and over and over again… I honestly can not explain to you why research scientist do not take a hint when things go this way, but we don’t… for some reason we have a death wish when it comes to not getting the answer we want… we proceed to call it “inconclusive data” and “try again”. It really is sort of ridiculous, especially when you have the sort of OCD that I have about doing things right the first time. I very rarely mess-up on experiments and when I do, I know exactly what it is I did wrong, and I go back and fix it. Anyway, this on-going problem with this experiment is making me a little bit insane and has literally put the rest of my work on the back burner… except NOT!! Here’s the REAL problem people… I still have to get other shit done in the midst of the other crap going wrong!! How does one build confidence to embark on new endeavors, when you’re faced with such defeat on your current path?... well???

*sigh* At least during all this doubt, on Tuesday’s anyway, I get to go home to an amazing night of Glee! Thank goodness! It’s good for the soul… good friends, good food, a reason to clean up around my house, a glass of wine (e-ven), and the priceless time that my mind does not have to think work, choreography, work, money, work, tickets, work, bills, work, laundry, and work.

Reflection Sunday... is a little foggy

Day: 355

Goal: Retrieve. Brain. From. Sewer.

Oh my. As much as I hate to admit it (As I am STILL in my 20s), I don’t go “big” very often. Last night was an exception! Totally got all dressed up and went to the black tie charity event for Camp del Corazon. It was so fun. I love to hang with my friends from the charity, but getting to do so in such a fashionable, classy, open-bar kind of way, makes it so…. Special. Another great event for some amazingly deserving kids!

Speaking of kids, how bratty am I that while I’m getting ready for the event last night I was so defeated by my short hair? I chopped 10 inches of hair off a few weeks ago in order to make a donation to Locks of Love, and while the new doo is super stylish and more than healthy, it’s just one of those things I’ve never been the most comfortable with: short hair. I tried to make it a bold endeavor and had Kell cut bangs as well, which everyone seems to like, but I just suck at hair in general, so I’m constantly uncomfortable and at a lose of what to do with the doo. Needless to say, I think I’m already on the path to growing it long again. Oh well, at least some kid will get good use out of the hair that I bitched about for years and now desperately now that it’s gone… *sigh*

I think it’s slightly a miracle that I can type today… I was quite the wine enthusiast last night and got up way to early this morning to be a yogi, BUT tonight at xpress I had one of those rare “comebacks” and totally killed! The kids helped so much, but I think this season of Xpress is going to end on a high note! (This of course does not make #20 easy… at all). I’ve been think lately about how freaking talented these kids are. They have so much potential to do great things in their future and I really hope that in some way I contributed to that. They have made me the teacher I am, and somehow I feel like I’ve learned so much from them… They are so beautiful and I don’t think that my life would be the same without their crazy antics every week. I wish that I could make my living by dancing with them all the time…