December Reflection

Day: 116 (that’s 116 days until my 30th birthday)

Goal: Get back to me

December is a great time for self-reflection. It’s the season to think of the year that has gone by (usually too fast) and come to some conclusions. Sometimes the conclusions I come to in December are a mixed bag. Happy about something’s accomplished in the past year, and not so happy with others. More than anything in December I get that overwhelming feeling that time just goes way too fast! Does time only fly when you’re having fun? Because it seems like time flies regardless. Time doesn’t give a shit what you do with it… it’s flyin with or without you.

A prime example of time getting away from me is this blog. I haven’t written anything in almost five months! I wish I had a good excuse, or that I could turn back the time just a little bit to get caught up on all of the little moments I promised myself I would write down, but I can’t… as hard as I try. I can, however, do my best to catch up with the time I have left.

I started this blog back in April to document my attempt to complete a bucket list of the 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30. So far I’ve completed 6 things on the list, I have 5 in progress, and 3-4 that have been planned, but have not happened yet. That leaves 15 that haven’t been touched yet! Yikes! I know there are at least two that won’t/didn’t happen: #8 - July 4th in a bikini (believe me, no one needed to experience that), and #30 – blog everyday…. Oh well. Two friends gave me some good advice about these points from the very beginning. Heather said, “You have a whole year of being 30! Just give yourself a little bit of your ‘30’ to get some done”. And Amber said, “You really should replace #30 with ‘Be happy with however I end up with this list… finished or not”. Great advice from two smart ladies!

So I’m trying to get back on track a little bit. Starting with writing again. I forget how much I really love writing sometimes. It’s a great way to relieve stress, get things off my mind and in front of me. Heavy thoughts that sit on top of your head can give you really bad neck pain… pulling them out in front of me can really take the weight off and make things so much more clear. There is something to be said about December and an annual reflection. A time to close unnecessary doors, and open new ones. A time to finish a chapter, and start a new one. Make resolutions, promises to yourself, start fresh, breath new breathe into my goals and the future.

A poem of self reflection that has helped me a ton in the past few months…

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Vacation Part Two and Three

Day: 323

Goal: Make the vacation feeling last

Similar (although not as intense) to the feeling of coming home from camp, coming home from vacation always makes me feel a little renewed. Soul cleansing… check. R&R… check. Over consumption of carbs and alcohols… double check. The problem always becomes how to make these great feeling last once you come home. I want to jump right into life refreshed and willing when I get home, but instead I always find myself just a little bit behind. Like I left half of me on vacation still. Suitcase… half unpacked. Makeup… nah. Work… not-so-much. Mentally I want to be in the right place, but I think I’m still physically lying on a the beach in South Carolina.

Part two of my vacation was so awesome! I absolutely love the new tradition of traveling to our Myrtle Beach condo with my cousins and just being completely worthless! Best. Feeling. Ever. I didn’t bring my computer… big step for me, although I do have an iPhone, so it’s kind of the same… but I was able to feel somewhat released from work and Facebook. We spent everyday at the beach for hours… just soaking up the beautiful sun. I needed the Vitamin D sooo bad! It felt so good to just get completely roasted and sandy and salty and sweat… and just not care at all. And nothing is more therapeutic than building a sand castle. Slightly more physically involved than I remember it being when I was 8, but still mindless and organic in the best way.

One night we went out to a dueling piano bar… so awesome! We had such a blast, and Sarah and Matt definitely got to celebrate their anniversary in a “special” way. We also went back and visited our friend at Margaritaville… sadly he fell in love with a different girl last summer and is not moving to NY. But who knows, maybe we’ll run into him up there someday. We also did a repeat performance at the Myrtle Beach Pelican game. Classic fun as always! The best part was definitely the sweet suite that we got hooked up with again! So much fun to act like high-rollers! All-in-all it was another fantastic trip with the gang. It really has become a tradition that will last for a long time! Good news is, none of us are expecting any rug-rats anytime soon to ruin the fun!

Part three of my vacation was the perfect ending to a great trip! I got to go up and spend a little time with pops. The trip was super short, but great none-the-less. We took in some Yankees (first time at the new stadium) and just enjoyed each others company!

So while I’m glad to be home (because it always feels good to come home from a trip), I can’t seem to get the vacation feeling to last in the right way. I think I’m a little backwards right now… I need to be in the mind at the beach, body working hard mode… sadly not the case right now.

Just want to end with a big huge shout out to all the amazing family that shared my vacation with me!! Love you all sooo much!

Vacation part 1

Day: 32?

Goal: try to figure out why I don't visit family more...


So i left for vacation on Friday and I can not tell you how much it came "just in time". Work hasn't been inspiring in a while, I'm burnt out from shows, and the weather at home was getting to be ridiculous.... Cloudy all day everyday. It even rained a couple of mornings last week! Anyway, I'd been planning the second half of this vacation since last years same trip. My Maisonet cousins and I all went to my dad's condo in Myrtle beach just to spend some time together sans parentals. We had an amazing time and knew right away, we had to make it an annual event. The first part of my trip was planned just recently when my Inky cousins decided to throw an anniversary party for my aunt and uncle. I was on board knowing that I was already planning to take the time off work, plus my mom and my grandparents were making the trek too, so that made it even more of a total family affair!
Well I only got to spend 48 hours in Sioux Falls, but it was so much fun! Getting to see so many family members that I haven't seen in years and years that I have convinced myself that I "see" because I know the ins and outs of their daily lives via facebook was so great! There is nothing better in the world then some good family love!
I think some people take for granted that they are near their families all the time... It's easy to get used to seeing everyones faces and that unconditional love that is shared between family members probably becomes a little.... Common. I love the feeling of being with family because there is no pressure to look a certain way, be impressive for some reason, or hold anything back because the time spent is so short and few and far between. I wish it weren't the case, but it's hard to get together sometimes... But when we do, I think we make the most of our time!

To my Inky family and the rest of the crazy midwest crew...
Thank you for patios and beautiful landscaping.
Thank you for pooches young and old.
Thank you for Losers.
Thank you for perfect surprises.
Thank you for Uncle Corys.
Thank you for grandpa-bunny-bunny sunsets.
Thank you for real weather.
Thank you for lemon drop shots shots shots shots-shots shots shots shots shots-shots.
Thank you for grandma and grandpa airport.
Thank you for speaking whale.
Thank you for wedding videos.
Thank you for future plans to see each other again in October.
Thank you for the newlywed game.
Thank you for 40 years of love.
Thank you for 11.
Thank you for just married signs.
Thank you for Gilly.
Thank you for always making us California Maisonets feel at home when we come... As few and far between as it is.

Location:Unnamed Rd,Grapevine,United States

Fourth of July (Wah-Wah)

Day: 325

Goal: Reflection Sunday and Happy Fourth of July

Let’s get right to the point people… I know what you’re all thinking about:

(as seen on my 30 Bucket)

19. Participate in July 4^th shenanigans… in a bikini

Ok this could be awkward if I don’t get a jump start on #8 soon! I haven’t gone out for Fourth of July festivities in years because I’m just not confident in my skin. I’m embarrassed to even wear shorts right now and it really sucks because I know how much fun everyone is always having at the beach. Granted, I make fun of the stupid girls who wear red, white, and blue bikinis, ride bikes with flags on the handlebars, and do beer bongs outside of strand parties, but none-the-less, while I’m still in my twenties I’d like to try to have that kind of confidence one more time.

No dice. Close, but no cigar. You win some, you lose some. Not over my dead body…. All apply really. There was just no way that #19 was going to happen. I hope that this doesn’t put a damper on the Bucket list, but there was nothing I could do about it. There was just no way in hell I was about to put a bikini on and strut around the beach. Trust me, I wish I could’ve been amongst the drunken idiots riding around on decorated bikes dowsed in red, white, and blue-S-A accessories, but I just didn’t get there with my confidence. Granted I had to work at Yoga Loft in the morning, and my students performed at 3, but I would have MADE time to show off a new bod had I actually put in the real effort more than 3 days prior. I don’t know what it is about getting in shape that is so difficult for me… it’s clear as day really: Don’t eat like shit, don’t eat so much, workout hard and with some variety… duh. I get it, but then why don’t I do it? I come closest with the working out part. I run 2-3 times a week, I dance twice a week, and I do yoga 4-5 times a week. And now Anne even has me doing a stairs regimen in addition to all that! Most of my problems lie in the consumption… which sucks. I’m really hoping that I can figure out a way to change the way I think about food and meals, because right now, I’m doing everything ALL wrong. And I drink too much to boot. I think it’s safe to say that I’m not quite an alcoholic (purely based on the fact that I can acknowledge my alcohol consumption and not deny it), but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn't take it easy a little bit. It’s not completely my fault though… if the cute guy I have a crush on didn’t work at a bar and serve me free beers, I wouldn’t drink half as much as I do… ok a third. This situation should subside though as I have sufficiently stalked my bcbf (brew co. boyfriend) and found out that my bcbf has a bcgf… yes that’s right. He’s taken… he called me a cougar, and he’s taken. Double whammy. I’m out.

Let us reflect on the bright side of the Fourth. I had a great time at our little traditional picnic at Rec Park. Great seats, a bunch of people showed up, and the fireworks were great as always! So even though I didn’t complete #19, I had a pretty good Fourth of July…

Now I have a problem though (comments/suggestions welcome): I don’t know if I should replace #19 on the 30-Bucket with a new goal so that I still have a total of 30 things in the end… or should I accept defeat, take the lose, and consider my 30-bucket incomplete in the end because #19 was a failure. Thoughts? I don’t know what to do…

Bored

Day: 326

Goal: Understanding the need to constantly be working

I’m always “exhausted”… I’m always “coming home from work” and feeling like I need a vacation, but then I never take one, and when I do, it’s always an active vacation that leaves me feeling like I need another vacation. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a martyr, but what is with my obsession with work?

I was recently having just a harmless conversation with the bartender at Brew Co. that I call my “boyfriend”… we were chatting about why I had had a rough day. I told him on top of some other mentally taxing issues, I was just working a lot. He said, “Why?” and without even thinking I said, “I think it’s a defense mechanism.” And then I was shocked… how could it be that simple, but yet so profound? Did I really just solve the mystery of why I work so much? Why I constantly feel the need to fill every minute of everyday with “something”? Why I can’t say no to requests? I was so happy with my answer that it took me a minute to realize that maybe it wasn’t as clear as I thought. I think I was kind of caught up in the fact that I had a good answer, without actually understanding what that meant. Why would I create such a defense? What do I have to be defensive about that can be warded off by a ton of work? Is it because I’m feeling alone? I constantly refer to myself as tragically single… but I’m not single because I want to be! Is it because I’m scared to be bored? That is definitely not it… I would love to be bored for even just a few hours! I’m not even sure I know what it feels like to be bored…

Bored: (adj) tired and impatient; tired of and slightly annoyed by a person or situation that is not interesting, exciting, or entertaining.

AH-HA!!! I got it!! The definition says it all! I’m not scared of being bored… I AM BORED!!! I’m “tired” and “impatient”… I’m “annoyed” with everything about my life! It makes sense… I do work because I think I’m bored, so I overwhelm myself with tons of stuff thinking it will make me NOT bored… I’m not on the defense, I’m on the offense!!... but it’s all this work that’s making me bored… right? Wait…

Right?

I can’t decide if this is a good answer. If it is, does this mean that in order to not be “bored” I actually need to do less? Or at least do something that doesn’t make me tired or something new exciting?

I think this is going to be one of those on-going mysteries for a while… I think I’m getting closer to understanding my twisted head, but I’m still just exploring the possibilities. I’ll get there eventually. Baby steps.

Stand Up Paddleboarding!

Day: 327

Goal: Enjoying a new challenge…


Last month I was successful in completing Bucket List #5! On May 15th I tried Stand-Up Paddle Boarding!! (holding for applause… applause… applause…) I really have Leslie to thank for it because when she read it on my list back in April, she was immediately on the war-path to making it happen ASAP… mostly for her own selfish desire to try it then for the benefit of my bucket list, but regardless, it got us movin’ on doing the research for it and setting up the date. It turned out that one of the owners of Yoga Loft (the little yoga studio I work at) is a SUP stud and was trying to promote his little side business of SUP lessons. Well we immediately jumped on that opportunity and got really excited and pumped up doing all kinds of reading on the subject and renting our wet-suits… it was seeming like this was going to be such an exciting adventure up until the morning of the event. Suddenly the idea of jumping into the freezing cold, murky, rough pacific seemed like a bad idea. Had I forgotten all about the fact that I have a very abrasive love-hate relationship with the ocean? I get violently sea-sick and sea creatures and I would have a war of epic proportions if we ever crossed paths… I would mother-f**king ninja chop a jelly fish if it got near me! So now I’m in my little apartment a few blocks from where I would embark on the “adventure” and I’m really thinking of reconsidering. I thought about it though, and figured, more than anything, I did want to let Leslie down… so I walked down to meet up with our little SUP group only to find that Leslie looked a little uncertain too! Sheesh!

Here’s the good news. Fred, our SUP instructor, was super rad. Total beach rat, ex-lifeguard, world adventurer, super-dad extraordinaire. He was totally supportive and understanding of our concerns and was great! Best part about him: When we were gearing up, why did he strap a diving knife around his waist!? I was like, “Hell YES! Take that, crazy ass Jellies and Sharks… but mostly sharks!” I felt immediately better about the sea creature part.

Leslie, went first and was totally awesome! She totally got the hang of it right away and looked like a pro… sort of. I have to say that there were times that she would go flying off the board like a spaz and Myra and I almost dies laughing… but hey, at least we were having fun! I went next and I was surprised at how warm the wet-suit actually kept me. I wasn’t cold at all! After spending a few (very few) minutes learning the basics near the shore with Fred, we hit the waves (large tubes of water rushing at the shore) to get out past the break (the area that is semi-calm before the waves start forming). This was the hardest part. I felt like we were swimming forever, not to mention that the largest board know to man is strapped to my ankle. No joke, this thing is 8 feet long and 2.5 feet wide, and is a beast to maneuver! Finally we got out to the break and I got to spend about 30 minutes trying my knack at SUP-ing. It was exhausting to get back on every time I fell off, but I started to get the hang of keeping my balance when I was up. The core workout was awesome and definitely part of what I could really see as appealing about the sport, but about 20 minutes in the more obvious problem began to take over… I was getting sea-sick (very sad face). I half-expected it, but not so soon. I think it was just the rolling nature of the break area, and for most of the time I spent sitting on the board you’re just out there bobbing around. It sucked! I was so disappointed that this was going to have to end really fast if I didn’t want to attract a pack of dolphins that I was sure to lear our way with the amount of puking I would inevitably do in about…. (three…two…one…), “Fred!!! We need to go back in… NOW!” I yelled. I felt bad because I think he thought at first that I wasn’t having fun or that I was scared. I explained quickly that this could get ugly pretty fast, and he in turn said the same for the fact that we just had to jump on the boards and ride the gauntlet in! Yikes… that was intense! Totally got destroyed coming in, but nothing beats the feeling of solid land for a person that gets severely sea-sick. It’s Heaven!

Our little instructor Fred!

In the long run, I had a lot of fun and I’m really glad I tried it! I would totally do it again under these conditions: 1) It’s sunny out... it seems like the gloomy weather adds to the psyche and under nicer circumstances, things would feel “brighter”; 2) I didn’t have to wear a life vest… did I mention that? Well we did, and I get why… he doesn’t know how we swim so he was just being safe… but ugh! That did not help when you’re trying to hoist yourself back up the board everytime; 3) I took just one Dramamine, wore my bracelets, or got the patch for motion sickness. I would rather be a little more tired after then feel that feeling… it’s just awful!
Anyway, overall really excited to be able to check off another 30 bucket list item!

#5…check!

Keep Breathing

Day: 328

Goal: Start down the long road to getting… CAUGHT UP!

Ok, so let’s just take a moment of silence for a couple of things… 1) My Blog: It suffered terribly in the last month due to an overwhelming schedule and lack of sleep of it’s writer; and 2) Team USA, as they have been eliminated from the world cup… a tragic loss.

I can not believe how long it’s been since I wrote. It’s absolutely embarrassing. More than anything, I feel so bad because there are actually a few (very few) people out there that were actually reading my blog…. And I feel like I’ve let them down. I am so glad there are people that are interested in my crazy life and I really hope that my lack of posts of late will not completely discourage people from reading…. Because I’m BACK! And here to STAY! It was just a lot at once in the past few weeks and it took a lot out of me mentally, but I think I needed the crazy as a wake up call and to remind myself what I view as the big picture.

So I know it seems silly to recap every single day that I’ve missed, but it is something I need to do for my own personal OCD. One of the goals on my list (#30 actually), is to write about everyday of this adventure, and so I really feel like I need to recap even though I missed those days technically. It will satisfy the bucket item in my opinion… hope you can understand, hang in there, and maybe even find some joy in reliving the last month with me.

I’d like to start by posting a song that I think I’ve been listening to everyday, all-day, for the past few weeks. I don’t know why, but for so many reasons it touches me so deeply. It has inspired me in the studio and really helps me find a little bit of clarity in my cloudy life… it’s helped me gain perspective to what is really important in life, particularly when I feel like whining about things that are actually quite trivial. Will this song keep me from complaining, dragging, worrying, and feeling like life is really hard for me sometimes?? No, probably not, but it will help...