30 Bucket: Bored

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bored

Day: 326

Goal: Understanding the need to constantly be working

I’m always “exhausted”… I’m always “coming home from work” and feeling like I need a vacation, but then I never take one, and when I do, it’s always an active vacation that leaves me feeling like I need another vacation. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a martyr, but what is with my obsession with work?

I was recently having just a harmless conversation with the bartender at Brew Co. that I call my “boyfriend”… we were chatting about why I had had a rough day. I told him on top of some other mentally taxing issues, I was just working a lot. He said, “Why?” and without even thinking I said, “I think it’s a defense mechanism.” And then I was shocked… how could it be that simple, but yet so profound? Did I really just solve the mystery of why I work so much? Why I constantly feel the need to fill every minute of everyday with “something”? Why I can’t say no to requests? I was so happy with my answer that it took me a minute to realize that maybe it wasn’t as clear as I thought. I think I was kind of caught up in the fact that I had a good answer, without actually understanding what that meant. Why would I create such a defense? What do I have to be defensive about that can be warded off by a ton of work? Is it because I’m feeling alone? I constantly refer to myself as tragically single… but I’m not single because I want to be! Is it because I’m scared to be bored? That is definitely not it… I would love to be bored for even just a few hours! I’m not even sure I know what it feels like to be bored…

Bored: (adj) tired and impatient; tired of and slightly annoyed by a person or situation that is not interesting, exciting, or entertaining.

AH-HA!!! I got it!! The definition says it all! I’m not scared of being bored… I AM BORED!!! I’m “tired” and “impatient”… I’m “annoyed” with everything about my life! It makes sense… I do work because I think I’m bored, so I overwhelm myself with tons of stuff thinking it will make me NOT bored… I’m not on the defense, I’m on the offense!!... but it’s all this work that’s making me bored… right? Wait…

Right?

I can’t decide if this is a good answer. If it is, does this mean that in order to not be “bored” I actually need to do less? Or at least do something that doesn’t make me tired or something new exciting?

I think this is going to be one of those on-going mysteries for a while… I think I’m getting closer to understanding my twisted head, but I’m still just exploring the possibilities. I’ll get there eventually. Baby steps.

3 comments:

Farah JasmineJuly 3, 2010 at 5:45 PM
It's called "filling your life with mundane tasks to fill a void you don't know you have". The only way to escape it is to consciously cut back on things so you aree forced to do *nothing*. I couldn't catch on to this until I got lupus and my body literally *forced* me lay down and take a break.

PS) Love your blog!
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UnknownJuly 3, 2010 at 10:23 PM
I think the journey is all about finding what satisfies you (and the boredom). Dig in and figure out what will make you feel whole. It will come...you are too passionate not to figure it out!
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UnknownJuly 3, 2010 at 10:24 PM
thats not john.... :)
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The 30 Bucket "Draft" List

30 Bucket Finalized!

Start my non-profit philanthropic company

For a long time now I’ve been thinking about how my dream job would be to be a charity campaigner. Most of the time these people are extreme entrepreneurs and/or celebrities in some way. It’s not the most profitable to own a non-profit if you’re doing it right (hence the name I guess), so it’s left to the big-timers to start the ball rolling and get these little charities on their feet. I would love to be a big-timer and help many different charities (because there are so many I love and so many I think could use the love), so I think starting a Philanthropic company that raises money for charities would be so awesome… A charity for charities in a sense. Raising big money, to fund small, often overlooked, charities, non-profits, educational programs, community arts, and research.

Dance somewhere semi/professionally

I went to school for 5 years with the intent of being a professional dancer someday. I don’t regret that this is not the path I’ve chosen (particularly because I had no choice… my legs just wouldn’t grow longer!), but I would love to feel like something came from all that hard work. I know I’ve touched a lot of lives by teaching dance lessons, but I would love to feel a little self-satisfaction that I’ve still got it! This could be anything from dancing in a musical, or a dance company, or for a commercial, or movie extra, etc.

Produce at least one season of Xpressions

Xpressions is the dance company I’ve been talking about for years. Ever since Heather and I stopped dancing, I’ve told myself that I would start my own little young adult dance company… just a little group that would put on tri-annual shows. Even if it only lasts one season, I know that I could get some of my favorite people to come out of the woodworks for a reunion show… even you, Heather!

Finish the Twilight series of books

I started them with everyone else, but I’ve only gotten through Twilight, New Moon, and half of Eclipse. Now she’s got another one coming that comes after Breaking Dawn?? I need to get crackin’! This will be tough since I am in a book club as well, and I have trouble enough finishing those books every month!

Try stand-up paddle boarding

Plan and simple… I want to try this. Looks like so much fun. I hope I love it, because it would be a great way for me to get over my love/hate relationship with the ocean: Love to look at it… hate to be in it.

Do an “around the world” at Brew Co.

Brew Co. is a bar by my apartment (my “boyfriend works there… really cute bartender who doesn’t know I exist). They have something like 45 beers on tap… I want to do an “around the world”, IN ONE DAY, of every beer they have. It only has to be 3 oz. tasters of each, but that adds up to something like 11-12 beers in one day. That’s a lot for me… it could be a disaster waiting to happen.

Complete Yoga teacher training

I have absolutely fallen in love with yoga this year! I don’t necessarily want to pursue a career as a yoga instructor, but I would love to go through the training just to say that I did THAT MUCH yoga… and new the language!

Be a confident size 10

Let’s not even talk about what size I am right now, but rest assured it’s not a 10. In fact, this could be the hardest goal I will set, but it will likely feel the best to accomplish. *All natural methods will be used in the attempt to meet this goal

Finish all my thank you notes

I’ve had a list a mile long of thank you notes I’ve been meaning to write forEVER. It’s a sickness I have… I hate to write them, but yet I know I must! I will write all of my pending thank you notes, even to those people who probably can’t even remember why I might be thanking them, and also make sure I stay on top of any new thank you notes too!

Run in 4 more races (10+K)

Last year I ran in the Manhattan Beach 10k, the Redondo Beach 10k, and a little turkey trot… I just want to participate in at least those races again, as well as maybe one more that’s a little longer. Something similar to the Bay-to-Breakers race in San Francisco (I really wish I could do this one this year, but I have another event already scheduled for that day). Or maybe even a Mud run!

Complete a triathlon

The swimming is going to kill me, especially in the ocean, but I’m totally willing to train for this. Hoping I can convince a friend to train with me, because I really think that helps, but never the less, I think I’m aiming for the LA triathlon in September.

Do work for another country in need in that country

So many countries are in dire need of aid. The Red Cross, habitat for humanity, and countless missions are constantly taking volunteers to areas in countries which have faced disaster. I would love to go help one of these countries and their peoples… first step will be to renew my passport…ugh! A feat in of itself.

Dig up my ancestry

I know the line of my mom’s family pretty well (need some more info about who came from Sweden/Norway and whatnot), but I know little to nothing about the extended family of my dad. I think there is a lot I don’t know, but would love to learn, visit, see, hear, etc. I think I’m sensing another trip to Puerto Rico… sans terrible boyfriend this time.

Host an ANTM fashion shoot party as both a photographer and a model

This is silly, but I have to. I have an irrational obsession with America’s Next Top Model. I love love love the photo shoots they do and constantly fantasize about being involved in one! I want to host a fun party where all the girls get done up for a photo shoot and we take lots of fun pictures. I’ve also always wanted to play around with photography, so maybe on a separate occasion, I would love to get some of my friends together and just shoot some black and whites. Just for fun!

Learn to play a song on the ukulele

I can do this… it just gets me so frustrated every time I try because my brain can’t wrap around the concept AND my fingers can’t wrap around the ukulele! Ahhh!!! I will conquer that silly little instrument! Plus I want to be one of those cool eclectic people that brings their instrument on camping trips and entertains everyone around the fire.

Go to Vegas like the “good old days”

No kidding, we used to be crazy in Vegas. When I was 21-22, we would run that town! It was a blast. I might have to sleep for a week afterwards, but if it kills me, I’m going to do Vegas RIGHT at least one more time!

Get another tattoo

Meaning to get one on/around my wrist for awhile now. Maybe a “t” or my whole name, initials, mantra, or some crazy mixture of it all. Also would love to freshen up the ones I have.

Finish my book

Yes, I’m writing a book. I don’t care if it’s for me and me alone. I have been wanting to finish it for a long time… might have to couple this goal with #24.

Participate in July 4^th shenanigans… in a bikini

Ok this could be awkward if I don’t get a jump start on #8 soon! I haven’t gone out for Fourth of July festivities in years because I’m just not confident in my skin. I’m embarrassed to even wear shorts right now and it really sucks because I know how much fun everyone is always having at the beach. Granted, I make fun of the stupid girls who wear red, white, and blue bikinis, ride bikes with flags on the handlebars, and do beer bongs outside of strand parties, but none-the-less, while I’m still in my twenties I’d like to try to have that kind of confidence one more time.

Walk away from the musicals

I’ve worked for a childrens musical theater company for over 8 years! I love the kids, I love the staff (especially the Dream Team), and I love my boss there like she’s my family, but I think it’s time to walk away… for real. I’ve said it before and I have never had the courage to actually follow through with it, but I know that it’s not doing anything for me anymore… I’m not able to be creative in the way I want to be creative (like a dance company of the styles I love would allow me to be), it drains me of every cent I have in taxes every year, and I just can’t make the money seem worth it anymore. I would love to continue to teach contemporary there, or even start Xpressions through the company, but just no more productions… this is going to be really hard, and really sad. I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

Get to know my neighbors

I’ve lived in my apartment for almost a year and I think I’ve talked to the boys that live up front maybe three or four times. They seem totally awesome! They have a work hard, play hard mentality, but I’m just shy for some reason. I can’t get the courage to knock on their door and say, “Hey! Wanna have a beer and watch the game together?” or “Hey! Can I cook you guys some dinner?” or “Hey! Are you guys doin’ anything cool tonight?”

Take a pole dancing class

Enough said. Wish me luck.

Pay off my credit card

It’s only about $1500, but it would feel really good not to have that on my shoulders anymore.

Take a vacation by myself

I would really like to get away somewhere semi-remote by myself. Just to do some reading, some writing, some sleeping, some sunbathing… just have a nice quite weekend to myself. If I grow some really balls, I may even turn off my phone!

Publish a paper

I’m a neonatal research associate (did I mention that…me: sexy scientist), and I’ve been working on about 6 projects for the past 3 years. Not ONE of them has been published yet, but I feel like this is the year! I’m so ready to get one of these papers OUT!!

Visit Disney World

One last time before I become a mommy (which will happen someday… I hope), I want to go be the little kid at Disney World. I took a competitive cheerleading squad to WDW 2 years in a row about 6 years ago. It was so awesome!! I would love to go back with some of the same friends and really do it up again… stay at the resort for 4-5 days and go to every park and just be a goofy kid!

Break 100 Golfing

I started golfing about 4 years ago and really got into it when I bought my first set of clubs… I was getting pretty good and then (after a break up) lost some momentum, and haven’t really golfed in a long time now. I would love to get back into it. Go to the range a couple times a week, improve my game, and try to break 100!

Visit my grandparents in Tampa

I’ve been saying over and over again that I need to be a better granddaughter and go visit the world’s greatest grandparents more often… MORE OFTEN!?? I haven’t been in 2 years! I have NO excuses… I just need to go spend some good time with them… they are the BEST, I have no good reason why it’s taking me so long!

Audition for “So You Think You Can Dance”

I love this show, I’m a dancer (I think) and it just makes my heart sing when I watch it. I would love to be able to just say that I tried. I don’t think I have what it takes to make the show, but since it’s technically my last year to be eligible, I just want to drag my sorry butt down there and give it all I’ve got, so I can have no regrets about it. Plus I hope to be there supporting some of my students as they audition as well!

Finish the 30 Bucket blog having written something for everyday

I can do this.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bored

3 comments:

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