Bored

Day: 326

Goal: Understanding the need to constantly be working

I’m always “exhausted”… I’m always “coming home from work” and feeling like I need a vacation, but then I never take one, and when I do, it’s always an active vacation that leaves me feeling like I need another vacation. I’m not trying to make myself out to be a martyr, but what is with my obsession with work?

I was recently having just a harmless conversation with the bartender at Brew Co. that I call my “boyfriend”… we were chatting about why I had had a rough day. I told him on top of some other mentally taxing issues, I was just working a lot. He said, “Why?” and without even thinking I said, “I think it’s a defense mechanism.” And then I was shocked… how could it be that simple, but yet so profound? Did I really just solve the mystery of why I work so much? Why I constantly feel the need to fill every minute of everyday with “something”? Why I can’t say no to requests? I was so happy with my answer that it took me a minute to realize that maybe it wasn’t as clear as I thought. I think I was kind of caught up in the fact that I had a good answer, without actually understanding what that meant. Why would I create such a defense? What do I have to be defensive about that can be warded off by a ton of work? Is it because I’m feeling alone? I constantly refer to myself as tragically single… but I’m not single because I want to be! Is it because I’m scared to be bored? That is definitely not it… I would love to be bored for even just a few hours! I’m not even sure I know what it feels like to be bored…

Bored: (adj) tired and impatient; tired of and slightly annoyed by a person or situation that is not interesting, exciting, or entertaining.

AH-HA!!! I got it!! The definition says it all! I’m not scared of being bored… I AM BORED!!! I’m “tired” and “impatient”… I’m “annoyed” with everything about my life! It makes sense… I do work because I think I’m bored, so I overwhelm myself with tons of stuff thinking it will make me NOT bored… I’m not on the defense, I’m on the offense!!... but it’s all this work that’s making me bored… right? Wait…

Right?

I can’t decide if this is a good answer. If it is, does this mean that in order to not be “bored” I actually need to do less? Or at least do something that doesn’t make me tired or something new exciting?

I think this is going to be one of those on-going mysteries for a while… I think I’m getting closer to understanding my twisted head, but I’m still just exploring the possibilities. I’ll get there eventually. Baby steps.

Glee-tastic!!

Day: 353

Goal: Gleeeeee!!!!

Ok so even during the toughest of weeks, I know I can count on Tuesday’s to deliver my favorite show and my favorite past time… Glee with the girls! I love to make dinner, have friends over, and watch Glee. I’m totally a “Gleek”, I’m addicted to this show, and most importantly, I love the mental release this night gives me. I’m allowed a (small) window of time that I can totally let my brain go into neutral, eat a hot meal, drink a glass of wine or two (or four), and just sit back and giggle like a kid… well a kid that understands adult humor…

Regardless, however, of the fact that I know that I have Glee to look forward to throughout the day, I still can manage to have a miserable day at work. There is just so much pressure right now at work to get data out and I just feel like there is a lot working against me here. For one, I’ve been doing the same experiment for one of projects for two months straight… seriously twice a week for the past 8 weeks I’ve been doing the exact same experiment over and over and over again… I honestly can not explain to you why research scientist do not take a hint when things go this way, but we don’t… for some reason we have a death wish when it comes to not getting the answer we want… we proceed to call it “inconclusive data” and “try again”. It really is sort of ridiculous, especially when you have the sort of OCD that I have about doing things right the first time. I very rarely mess-up on experiments and when I do, I know exactly what it is I did wrong, and I go back and fix it. Anyway, this on-going problem with this experiment is making me a little bit insane and has literally put the rest of my work on the back burner… except NOT!! Here’s the REAL problem people… I still have to get other shit done in the midst of the other crap going wrong!! How does one build confidence to embark on new endeavors, when you’re faced with such defeat on your current path?... well???

*sigh* At least during all this doubt, on Tuesday’s anyway, I get to go home to an amazing night of Glee! Thank goodness! It’s good for the soul… good friends, good food, a reason to clean up around my house, a glass of wine (e-ven), and the priceless time that my mind does not have to think work, choreography, work, money, work, tickets, work, bills, work, laundry, and work.