Catching Up!!!

Day: 534

Goal: Catch up!

Ok so, I get it, I’ve completely dropped the ball in the last two weeks. I have not blogged since Stagecoach and…… I have no excuse. Well actually I have a lot of excuses, and some quite valid ones, but I can’t exactly use them. Why, you ask? Because I made the list… and on that list I said I would blog about every day that I was on this adventure. So I will.

This is going to be a long blog because, yes, I am going to try to recap all of the missing days, but hang in there loyal followers!! I really appreciate you all and all of your support. Support in my blog and in my life… thank you.

Day: 547

So I came home from Stagecoach only to run into a huge pile of garbage outside of my apartment. I literally had to dodge a flying sofa pillow as I made my way to my front door Monday after work. My neighbor Dominque (one of the boys from the group of guys on my list; #21), was in serious stride of cleaning out their house. I asked him, literally laughing, “What are you guys doing? Moving??!” (hahaha…ha). “Yah! We are!” said Dominique… I was in shock… “We’re moving to 14^th street, so we’ll see you around!” See me around?!?! Was he kidding? I have lived here for 10 months and we’ve never once hung out, I’ve probably said a total of 10 words to all three of them collectively, and I have definitely NEVER “seen them around”! CRAP!! This really really puts a damper on #21 on my 30 Bucket. I thought about just changing it slightly to reflect the “new neighbors” I’ll get, but then I talked to my landlord about how much that unit costs (cause I’m nosey), and I came to the conclusion that I’ll never have neighbors again…

So now I have to think of a new #21…

Day: 546

Shot an email to my landlord… I was very curious about the front unit now. How big was this place and how much did it cost? Maybe I could convince Leslie and Myra that we should take over it… maybe even add Kasey when she had some cash. He said I could go by whenever and that the guys that were there (for five years), were paying…. Wait for it…. $4950.00!!!!! HELL-O! OMG, I was completely floored by that number. How could those three party boys afford that and, holy shit, how many people would I have to live with to ever afford something like that?! (I can tell you, it would take a lot more than 3) Anyway I still had to go snoop, so after work I walked my happy ass over to the front house to take a gander and I was actually really surprised…. Two fold: 1) those boys were BY FAR the grossest humans to ever live in Manhattan Beach. You’d think they were running a fraternity house for a bunch of can-crushing, crotch-grabbing, slutty, jocks… it was so gnarly. I don’t think they vacuumed, swept, moped, dusted, or moved an inch of furniture in the five years they were there. I almost wish I’d taken pictures for you, because that’s the only way you’d believe this mess. How anyone could actually think they were getting clean in those showers, or even the thought of walking in that house in my bare feet absolutely blows my mind. I literally held my breath. 2) (reasons I’m surprised remember?) The place is freakin’ awesome!! Aside from the fact that it will take months to restore it to human living conditions, the house itself is totally awesome. Three bedrooms (small, medium, and huge), 2 bathrooms (big and HUGE – full Jacuzzi tub in the master bath), huge kitchen with all (fairly) new appliances, huge living/dining room, front porch, master balcony, tiny office, kick-ass LOFT! (literally someone could sleep there), and 3 parking spots!!! Suddenly it occurred to me why this place was $4950.00. It’s so cool. After I left I couldn’t do anything the rest of the night except for try to think of ways me and the girls could afford this place…

Day: 545

I showed Leslie and Kasey the front house… their surprise was also two fold… both the same as mine. Kasey’s on board to live in the loft… for $800/month. That is, unfortunately, not very helpful yet.

Meanwhile, I’ve hit a wall in terms of being “butter”. “Butter” is my knick-name because I try to take on too many things in my life and I end up spreading myself too thin… get it? I’m butter… I spread myself thin?? Ok anyway, lately it’s gotten really bad. I took on a third mini-job working the front desk at the Yoga Loft in MB so that I could support my Yoga habit, something that truly makes me more sane, happy, relaxed, physically active, and peaceful. I don’t think this is a bad idea at all… it’s one day a week in the morning, so to me, it’s just. As for my other two jobs, it’s true, they both make me crazy. Maybe it would be helpful if they made me crazy in the same way, but unfortunately I feel crazy in totally different ways and for different reasons between the two. One the hand I become so overwhelmed with projects, tasks, experiments, politics, and TRAFFIC… and on the other it’s frustration with artistic opinions, work ethic, attitudes, hormones, teenage drama, scheduling, and pressure! It’s a lot for one day… my average day consists of… oh man, I just got it… I tried to type an average day, but I couldn’t settle on which day was average… BECAUSE THERE IS NO AVERAGE DAY!! It just clicked… I don’t have an average day and maybe that’s the reason I get so insane. I have average-ish weeks, but does that really count? Maybe if I could find a way to give myself an average day, I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed day-to-day…

Day: 544

It’s not that I don’t love working with little kids, and it’s not that I don’t love doing productions, but it’s those little moments when I get to work with just a small group of the older kids, that I really find myself enjoying the “dancer” piece of my life… a LOT.

Day: 543

Heather invited us over for enchiladas and Margaritas for the Laker game. Amazing food, great margs, and one of the top 5 best Lakers I’ve ever watched. Such a nice night with the girls.

Day: 542

Sometimes I come home from rehearsal and I’m like, “what happened?” How did I finish a number and then not 20 minutes later completely forget what I choreographed?? I sure hope the kids are secretly video taping rehearsals… otherwise, we could be in really big trouble.

It was also Erin’s baby shower today. Really sweet. Shannon, Jenny, and Hillary did a lovely job. Makes me think about me being in that position. As much as I want children, I still don’t think I’m ready for all that. I don’t think I’m ready for the diaper genie and the deluxe anal thermometers… don’t know how I would give up the little sleep I’m already not getting. Hmmm… actually, maybe I’d make the perfect mom. I’m already high-functioning on little to no sleep, live in my car, can’t find time for myself, dress like I could care less who I impress, lose it for no reason at all, and can do a mean French-braid. Wow… and shit. That is not good.

Day: 541

Spent a long day at both studios… still need to figure out a new #21.

Day: 540

I knew this week was going to be hectic because of all the things I needed to get done at work, the classes I was teaching, and the fact that I had family coming into town at the end of the week. Luckily I had an easy Monday and had a chance to inflate a bit and make some “todo” lists. I even downloaded a “todo” list app for my iPhone. It took me 30 minutes to input something on my list of things to do. I can see how it’s a very efficient app *grumble*

I’ve been teaching contemporary dance every Monday for the past 8 months or so. I love that class because of the kids it’s attracted... I have to say though, I feel a little bad because the class and choreography is also greatly a reflection of how I’m feeling that week. I don’t filter at all in this class and I really do use it as a chance to really be expressive. I’ve had a few younger ones in the class now and again, and unfortunately sometimes I feel like the class is a little over their heads… they keep coming back though, so I guess they’re ok J

Day: 539

Thank goodness for Glee. It, coupled with yoga and Thai food, made my night!!

Day: 538

The week is getting more hectic, bills scare me (like actually terrify me), I want to live in the front house, I wish crepes didn’t make my tummy hurt (or grow bigger), I need a haircut again, my acne is out of control, my laundry still will not fold itself, and I STILL can’t figure out a new #21.

Day: 537

So my dad is very sick. His heart is all good, but he has a pretty sever respiratory infection that has actually got his doctor saying that he can not travel. I’m so torn: On one hand, I’m so hurt. I wanted him to be here for Kasey so bad. We’ve been planning it for almost 6 months and I’ve been looking forward to her surprise for weeks! One the other hand, I’m so worried about him. He makes me nervous with this stuff and I guess I’m just really glad he’s ok and has people around him that are taking care of him. Anyway, this news was not a good start to my day. I literally could not even open my mouth to talk to people at work for fear I would break into hysterical sobbing. On top of all that, the kids were at each others throats tonight at rehearsal. I just wanted to scream at them, “Really you idiots?! Take your facebook addicted heads out of your asses for just two seconds and realize that life is A) NOT all about YOU, B) too short and precious to waste arguing with the people you actually love, and C) really more about doing what you love… so if you don’t love to torture me, then maybe you could STOP!” But then I thought better of it, and just let them be brats to each other. I got the number done, so hopefully the evening was productive in, at least, that sense.

Day: 536

Book club rocked!! My mom totally out did herself! Best food, and maybe the best book I’ve read in the past year! Loved it… and I loved that everyone was in such a festive mood and also liked the book! Yay!

After a really tough week of almost completely losing it, tonight brought things back to the happy place again, and I’m ready to start a fun weekend.

Day: 535

Got to spend some time with my Godfather/Uncle today. Breakfast at my favorite spot, Ocean View Café in MB, and then dinner with him and the gang. I love him! So glad I got to spend a little time with him. Also got to stop by Brody’s 2^nd birthday party… found out an X that was committed to being non-committal is now committed to a girl who is also committed to raising her child… figures.

(back to Day: 534)

Happy Mother’s Day! Spent a lovely morning with some dedicated yogis and some impromptu sons/daughters. Then took mamma to the movies… we saw the “Back Up Plan” with Jennifer Lopez. It was super cute, but it kind of hit a little too close to home… thirty-ish gal hasn’t found love, figures she’ll miss her chance, so she gets inseminated. Then as Murphy’s law would have it, she finds love. You know I’ve actually had this thought? Just do it on my own since I don’t have anyone banging down my door. Not quite there yet though. I can see the appeal, but maybe not for another 6 years…

SO, we’re caught up people! I vow not to let time get away from me like that again! Thank you so much for hangin’ in there everyone… now help me think of new #21!!!

Stagecoach 2010

Day: 350, 349, and 348

Goal: Just relax and let it go… country!

So one of my camp besties, Amy, bought me and some other camp peeps tickets to Stagecoach, the two day country music festival in Indio. Now those of you that know me may be thinking, “Tiffany likes country music?” And that is a valid question. But those of you that really KNOW me, know that I’m not apposed to a good time… I love music you can dance to, I love people with the gift of song, I love BBQ’d meat (although having to type that just grossed me out a little bit), I love beer, and who DOESN’T love a good old-fashioned polite country-lovin’ cowboy?? (Especially when you throw in the California desert and force them to take their shirts off… yum)

Anyway, we got out to Palm Desert on Friday night and just chilled in the hotel room (that was the bane of my existence for an entire week… don’t ask, it’s over, that’s all that matters). We got some good sleep and the next morning got out to Stagecoach around noon. As we were locking up the car in the parking lot, I suggested that we crash one the tailgates going on. The group was hesitant, but as we strolled towards the venue past one of the friendlier looking parties, I said, “Hell yay! You guys know how to do it right!”…. and a friendship was born. We met Cory, Amber, Amy, Cole, Michelle, and a bunch of other people whose names I can’t remember right now, and they were awesome! They were so sweet and really did have a great set-up… does it compare to a Maisonet family New York tailgate at Giants stadium?… No, but I have to give them credit… it was really good.

The festival was really cool. Way beyond my expectations. I’m not really sure what I was expecting, but it was way nicer. I guess I thought people would be more rowdy and crazy, and while there were some crazies out there, it was mostly a mixed bag of families, young adults, and hardcore cowboys. The venue itself was enormous. It felt like a day at Disneyland each day… a ton of walking around, eating too much and too often, and not drinking nearly enough water… especially relative to the temperature and what else we were drinking *wink*

One thing I love about hanging out with the people I was with is that I really don’t feel at all insecure the way I do sometimes around other people. Not that my other friends make me insecure necessarily, and not that these friends necessarily make me feel super confident, but it’s just a feeling of comfort that’s different I guess. Maybe because the majority of time I spend with these guys is camping on an island with hundreds of kids acting crazy and focusing on the mission of our charity and not on ourselves at all. It does make a difference I think. When I stop trying to impress anyone, and just hang out for the sake of being with beautiful people loving life, I find that the insecurities melt away. It’s not a perfect science though… even when I’m in the best of places mentally like I was this weekend, I find time to get in my own head and dwell on that fact that I’m behind on life… and I hate being alone.

So in addition to a lot of really great entertainment, I discovered that I love Sugarland. They were awesome!! I also discovered that running into people you weren’t expecting to never gets less awkward, hot guys look hotter when they’re dressed like cowboys, nice people do exist (and they tailgate!!), no matter how many times you roll your eyes some people just… are who they are, no more than two fish tacos should be consumed in a 24 hour period, people who love country music also love America… a lot, port-o-potties are cleaned out by a man with a really long hose that’s hooked up to a huge truck that sucks it out of the hole and carries it off to who-knows-where, Keith Urban is just as hot in person as he is in pictures, the California State lottery is suppose to go towards education, but has been redirected to “other places” for years, power half-hour is proven to be the best buzz two times over, I enjoy wearing a cowboy hat, boys play words with friends when they have to go #2, and nothing feels better after a long weekend then coming home to your own bed… ok that’s not something I discovered this trip, I’ve known that forever, but it’s worth rediscovering every time.

Just say "No"

Day: 351

Goal: Say “No” to something… ANYTHING!!!

So the point is, I love pleasing people. Not in the weird, kinky, asian sort of way, but in the sense that I can’t stand to not have made something happen that I’m completely capable of doing. Confused already? Me too.

I’ve had a rough week. Not just because workwork has been extremely overwhelming, but also because I’m totally and completely self-destructive. I’ve decided (with the help of Heather) that I am a “Yes Man”. I can not willing say “No” to something if I have the physically ability to do it. Mentally I probably am the most unstable person I know at baseline, so let’s not even start to talk about what over-doing-it does to me mentally… it’s just not relevant. The fact is, if someone asks me to do something – anything – I’m more than likely going to say “Sure, no problem” or “Yay! That’s sounds good… count me in!” This is not healthy and I’ll explain why…

My nickname is butter because I spread myself too thin. How can one person be two places at once? They can’t. This is a concept that does not settle well with me. I have been trying to fight this phenomenon for years, and while I have not been successful, I continuously strive to be everyone, everyone wants me to be at once. I feel like this problem didn’t used to affect me the way it is lately because I loved every little bit of everything I was involved in. Now it seems like I do things that aren’t necessarily making me completely happy because I feel obligated. Granted, a LOT of the things I do do I really really do love, but there are those things that squeeze themselves in there that would probably make me happier, healthier, more sane, less cranky, and much further on my bucket list if I would just let them go… just say “No, I’m not available/able to/around/in town/tired/interested…”

I have an irrational fear of letting people down. Ok maybe its not that irrational… maybe I have deep rooted daddy issues that I can’t overcome. Maybe I’m scared that if I don’t make the people in my life happy, then they’ll leave… I mean, I’m a grown ass woman, and I know that my dad didn’t leave because of me, but maybe there is something deep inside me that won’t let the idea of it being some fault of mine that made him go. This is a long stretch for a reason why I can’t say no to things, but it’s my fleeting attempt at self-therapy, so maybe just having a reason… even if it’s not the real reason… will help.

In the midst of all the craziness I find myself wondering how it’s possible to have friends that are so willing to stand by me through the crazy times… I am blessed.

Thank you for: friends, assistants, project runway season finales, trader joe’s orange chicken, wine, bicycles, ladybugs, and blogs.

Conquering the Morning!!

Day: 352

Goal: Conquer the morning!

Ok so lately I’ve been having some serious issues with waking up in the morning… It’s gotten to the point where I have been at least 30 minutes late to work every day. I just can’t get out of bed. I hear my alarm, I snooze it, I hear it again, I snooze it again, and then I never hear anything again!! I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for my body to wake up. I feel like I get plenty of sleep every night… I go to bed at a decent hour, and although I’m exhausted when I lay down at night, it hasn’t been worse than usual that I know of. I just don’t have the will to “rise and SHINE”…. I roll and grumble… quite the opposite.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I’ve really been missing my Wednesday morning yoga class. It really is one of my favorite flow classes and I was so good about getting up and going to this 6am ball-buster religiously… but now for some reason I just can’t, and that bugs.

It’s weird because the thought of getting up early to work out, make breakfast, drink multiple cups of coffee, watch the news, and get ready leisurely… sounds AMAZING! So why don’t I have the feeling in the morning? Worse yet, I feel nothing at all until I finally get up and then I immediately regret having not gotten up earlier!! Hello!??! What is UP with THAT!??! Mentally, I’m there! I’m in it to win it, but my body will not physically GET UP!! How annoying!

I need help… really. It’s becoming a problem that tends to ruin my day. Ok maybe not “ruin” my day, but at least add to the chaos of feeling like there is never enough time for everything. I constantly reflect on the episode of Saved By The Bell when Jesse Spanno tries to do a music video, be a cheerleader, and study for the SATs one week, and ends up having to take caffeine pills to stay awake… “I’m SOO excited!!! I’m SOO excited!! I’m soo, so… SCARED!!!” Classic Jesse.

The feeling resonates through me.

Sidenote: ASU cast kicked some serious ass tonight at rehearsal. I only had half my cast for the number I was choreographing, but it already looks really nice… very excited for this show to go up. These are some seriously talented kids!